Summary:
Rambling notes from the person who is sharing these documents.
[ Former very lengthy text from section "-1. Preamble" of "begin.htm". Topics such as "who am I?" and "who are you?" Needs lots of revising, especially the links from it. ]
[ The replacement document for this doc is "participation.htm" with more recent information. ]
Who am I? Currently, I am one of the leftover, once again. There is an abundance of human resources, t.i. people of the 21st century.
A bit like the abundance of water needed in the water pipes of a house, in order for even a single drop of water to be tapped. No abundance, then not even drop will be available. At the moment, I am part of the untapped abundance.
It could be said I have been retired, in the way an old horse is retired by being put out to pasture. I was sent outdoors because no one needed me anymore (15. Personally helped), and there was no place (or desire by anyone) to keep me indoors.
Keep in mind, this is no different for anybody else. Each person all over the world is experiencing merely a different set of opportunities. Anybody indoors and/or still participating (t.i. job or employment or gig or such) is really no different than someone outdoors and/or still participating (t.i. job or employment or gig or such).
Permission is required for being (t.i. existing) at a location because there is no "pasture" with all land owned, only streets and roadways between all the buildings for temporarily passing by from one permitted location to another. That also means there is no land with food growing on it, as food and all other supplies are transported long-distance from elsewhere.
We have been living in a long-distance civilization passed down from generation to posterity for a long time now, with every single city in the world an island with a high concentration of people [ In essence, a concentration camp the size of city. ] , a crisis in waiting for becoming a catastrophe when the supply lines fail. Every single person is living in a desperate situation, and ignoring it as readily as they ignore their own inevitable death [ All life forms begin life with the same terminal diagnosis: birth. ] , simply by being to busy to notice it, let alone think about it.
So, I have had plenty spare time (ha ha, "spare time", that is good one) to think and realize what is happening, or at least to reframe a few times over the circumstances I observe going on around me. I have become accepting of...well, pretty much anything that comes to mind if given a moment or two. I am not troubled by my eventual death, death happens to everyone. I might cry when it happens, but they will not be tears of regret. There is no such thing as success, there is just busywork until the final day, until that final moment.
Hence, I see no "problem" or even so-called homelessness (12.2 Terminology about culture: homeless). That is, not dying immediately by being outdoors should not be classified as a problem, because what that is really saying is that someone still existing is a problem. There are plenty of opportunities to connect with other people, but the world is so crowded that it turns out to be rather nice to be alone within a box of boxes (t.i. a house or an apartment; see "12.2-house"), so people stay away from each other. That, and journalism frightens everyone with exceptional stories.
And who are you? You are my future self reading the notes you wrote a while back. OTOH, if you are anybody else, then you are reading the notes I left for my future self. Either way, consider reading the section "2. Preface" in order to help defuse your buttons to any memory bombs you have in your head (buttons that you might let get pushed by mere words), because your head is your responsibility.
Then, try the section "0. Content list" to find something interesting, probably about the computer as a customizable tool. For example, something in section "6.4 A personalizable computer" for a general idea of software and hardware needs, and section "8. StumpWm + PC" for a notes about using specific software and hardware (though incomplete, could help with getting started).
I happen to be one of the leftover without permission to stay some place, particularly no big box to lock myself into and store stuff. No mutual trust with anyone for me experiencing such a place again, nor do I have any income to donate to owners for permission (f.e. by rent
[ Yes, rent is charity for land owners, house owners, apartment owners, and so on. Hoping to add the term to section "12.2 Terminology about culture" someday.
Please note, there is no disrespect intended; it is just a straightup observation: rent is a specific donation amount for nothing material given in return, only a time-limited permission. While property management is legitimate work, rent is not payment for that management work, f.e. rent is not payment to have the name of the land owner on a sheet of paper (as that happened prior to the askance of rent from anyone).
Again, I hope to relate this in the terminology section someday. It is a very important perspective, as owners are not greedy and insensitive, but instead vulnerable and needy, thereby their seeking for compassion and support. Tenants should understand the permission given is temporary and plan accordingly, f.e. preparing to move elsewhere prior to the end of a lease agreement so someone else can take on the task of donating to that owner. Though, it is the responsibility of the owner to find another sponsor (t.i. tenant) for aiding the owner with its other responsibilities of caring for the land, or the house, or so on, rather than depend on the prior tenant to know someone else. ]
), nor periodic income for periodic expenses of any kind [ That is, subscriptions: utilities of a home; or for a connecting to the international telegramming network (the Internet); or laundry; or food; or monthly or yearly pass for bus or transit; and so forth. ].
In other words, there is no need for me at the moment, and I am no position (as I have nothing extra of myself) to participate in the competitive busywork of businesses without accelerating my self deterioration (from the lack of opportunity for persistent convalescence).
Even shorter: I am without agency [ See Agency (2020) by William Gibson, for the use of the word "agency" on page 8 (ch. 2) and page 31 (ch. 7). [ Beyond the meaning of "agency" and for the purpose of the storyline in Agency, consider reading the book The peripheral (2014), the prior book for that storyline, before reading Agency itself, if at all. ] Also consider chapter 2 "Infrastructure as agency", pages 21-41 in the book How infrastructure works (2023) by Deb Chachra; and consult its "Index" on page 301 for "agency". ].
Additionally, I am without resources, thereby have nothing to offer or share (other than info from this document server "l8l.info").
More detailed, I have no connection with family or former friends. Different values, different interests, different health perspectives, no fit; connections dissipated over long distances. No means of or point in contacting, as they all are merely strangers at this point (decades later now), and certainly so am I a stranger to them [ I am very certain I have had friends. OTOH, I have accepted that I must have failed at being a friend to anyone, otherwise communication would have been bidirectional rather than always beginning only from me, after separated by long distance. ] . It seems like I am simply one of the social misfits, and it seems like I have accepted that without blame of others nor of myself.
That in itself means I essentially have no active relationship tree [ See Agency (2020) by William Gibson for use of that phrase on page 50 (Chapter 11 "Relationship tree"); paragraph begins on prior page. ] , f.e. family relations, friendships, business relations, and so forth. Phrased in another way, there is no longer anyone I would recommend to anyone else, nor anyone else that would recommend me for anything. No social capital of my own, nor am I part of the social capital of anyone else.
[ Eunice (a.k.a. UNISS[ page 68 ]) ]He's the best you've got. I did a relationship tree, shows that anybody else you know who's got the kind of juice you need, you met through him. And none of them have anywhere near as much reason to help you.
—Eunice, speaking to Verity Jane. Agency (2020) by William Gibson. Page 50.
Another phrase is "relational poverty", as mentioned in the book When we walk by (2023) by Kevin F. Adler and Donald W. Burnes [ with Amanda Banh and Andrijana Bilbija ]. I have yet to read the whole book; but it prominently starts off with the topic of "relational poverty" in chapter one (pages 19-32). Chapter one has a well written summary of itself and the concept of "relational poverty" on its final pages of 30-32.
[ Kevin F. Adler and Donald W. Burnes [ with Amanda Banh and Andrijana Bilbija ] ]Relational poverty—a profound lack of nurturing relationships combined with stigma (and often, shame) that makes fostering social ties incredibly difficult—is a deadly form of poverty common among people experiencing homelessness, with associated health risks like those of material poverty, including increased risks of early death, poor mental health, dementia, and cardiovascular disease.
Relationships buffer tens of millions of unhoused Americans from the descent into homelessness, help facilitate the exit of homelessness, are a source of financial capital, facilitate economic mobility, and are primary concerns in the lives of individuals experiencing homelessness. And yet, the lens of relationships is often cast aside when considering solutions to homelessness.
Being without a home—which leads to a loss of opportunity, increased bureaucratic and access barriers, competing priorities, reactive attachment disorders, and experiences of shame and stigma—strains the creation of healthy relationships and the buildup of social capital over time.
Relational poverty can come in the form of network impoverishment: the experience of having social networks that lack resources, or flexible capital, to provide the necessary support to avoid or exit homelessness.
—"Key takeaways", pages 31-32. Chapter 1: Relational Poverty.
When we walk by: forgotten humanity, broken systems, and the role we can each play in ending homelessness in America (2023).
Kevin F. Adler and Donald W. Burnes, with Amanda Banh and Andrijana Bilbija.
Another phrase is "social capital", as mentioned in the book No longer homeless (2018) by David Wagner [ with Gemma Atticks ], pages 94-95.
[ David Wagner [ with Gemma Atticks ] ]The term social capital has been among the most frequently used concepts in the social science literature. Social capital essentially refers to all nonmaterial capital people accumulate. A wealthy person obviously has sources of traditional capital in money, stocks and bonds, investments, real estate, and so on. But more subtly, the richer a person is in income and social class, the more they accumulate nonmaterial resources that intertwine with monetary resources.
The middle-class or wealthy person has the education expected of them to be high class, literacy to read in at least one language, stylish clothes to wear, an accent and vocabulary that are acceptable, social skills to impress superiors and those below, and so on. The accumulation of capital and social capital are obviously lifelong processes that begin in childhood socialization.
—"Social capital in poorer communities", pages 94-95. Chapter 5: "Community, support, and staying housed".
No longer homeless: how the ex-homeless get and stay off the streets (2018).
David Wagner, with Gemma Atticks.
Another interesting term is "infrastructural citizenship", a broader expectation of each person potentially in multiple overlapping associations, rather than fabrication of disparate groups (f.e. false diversity) at odds with each other. Particularly, forward looking for resilience in our ways of living, rather than innovative endeavors or mere damage control.
[ Deb Chachra ]This idea of being in an ongoing relationship with others simply by virtue of having bodies that exist in the world and which share common needs is what I think of as "infrastructural citizenship".
It's a citizenship that encompasses the people who are in a particular place in the world or connected by networks today, as well as those yet to come.
It carries with it the responsibility to sustainably steward common-pool resources, including the environment itself, so that future communities can support themselves and each other so they all can thrive.
Infrastructural citizenship is not just care at scale, but care in perpetuity.
—"The social grid, and care at scale", page 276. Chapter 11: "Infrastructural citizenship".
How infrastructure works: inside the systems that shape our world (2023).
Deb Chachra.
I seemingly have no overlapping interests with anyone, t.i. what help businesses need is different than the help I have to give. The "Help Wanted" signs of businesses have nothing to do with my personal pursuit, f.e. personalization of the computer medium even by the everyday person. Though, an overlapping interest would be just about anything to do with the computer medium (1. Computer wizardry, and 15. Personally helped).
I am outdoors, with neither personal security nor the means for persistent convalescence. People who live indoors typically have the means for being clean (f.e. running water), the feeling of safety when asleep, privacy and personal space for convalescence, t.i. recovery from mental fatigue, physical relief, healing of wounds, freedom from the busyness of the world, or even just basic recuperation.
Maybe there is a tomorrow, if I wake up tomorrow; even then, how much did I healthfully recover? Logically, and sensibly, people who live indoors are in a better position than me for having extra personal well-being that is enough for sharing with others, t.i. helping others (which is a job), and especially for employment.
A job is helping someone else; getting paid for a job is employment (even if only as a service). I have nothing extra of my personal well-being to share, physically or mentally, for helping others, t.i for a job. Conversation, sure; I also have been able to update this document server "l8l.info" (public library computers); probably not much other than that while outdoors.
Asking someone for help is in essence offering someone else a job. What do I have to incentivize someone to help me, especially when someone might prefer opportunity (f.e. money, or social connections) rather than the experience (f.e. practice, or discovery) of the "job"?
As such, my participation is pretty much nonexistent, which interestingly correlates with myself becoming nonexistent. For me, that feels fine (t.i. I never feel lonely), because I learned early on in life it is safer to avoid people. Especially avoiding people who rely on chemicals (f.e. "recreational substances") for stress relief or for life avoidance, but who unfortunately also handle stress within the flow of life by means of "physical communication".
In a word, my circumstance is probably conveyed by: stray; leftover; misfit; outsider; leaf; excess; castaway; "a diamond in the rough"; unhoused neighbor.
[ Kevin F. Adler and Donald W. Burnes [ with Amanda Banh and Andrijana Bilbija ] ]Our neighbors experiencing homelessness are also excluded from our communities through hostile architecture, hostile design, and anti-homeless ordinances, all of which make the experience of homelessness even more dangerous and disconnected.
—"Key takeaways", page 59 (final paragraph). Chapter 3: Exclusion.
When we walk by: forgotten humanity, broken systems, and the role we can each play in ending homelessness in America (2023).
Kevin F. Adler and Donald W. Burnes, with Amanda Banh and Andrijana Bilbija.
Though keep in mind that I have no interest in plarping, so I have no interest living up to any particular label or category. Those words are just for referencing concepts, f.e. when establishing a mindset for a conversational topic.
I am not a "bad" person (nor do I want to think of other people as "bad"). I am not "broken" (nor do I want to think of other people as "broken"), so there is nothing to "fix". There is no point in practicing the self-defaming thinking many of us were taught the first couple decades of our lives, as such practice is paralyzing. The past is unchageable; the present is about moving forward; reflect and learn rather than regret and self-hate.
Though, as a matter of perspective I could just as well be experiencing: freedom from being used; freedom from being abused; freedom from dependency of others; freedom from too much furniture; freedom from too much laundry; freedom from traffic jams (t.i. obligatory tailgating, or tailpipe breathing); perhaps freedom from ever again having to hold someone's hand while she is dying without my being able to do anything about it; freedom from lots of activities.
If it seems unfair for me to have all this freedom, then by all means saddle me up with some of those opportunities, share in those activities with me, or maybe hand them on over to me to do on my own.
Otherwise, get used to the idea that, perhaps unlike you, I am without those opportunites, and I likely will continue to be without those opportunities as long as I remain without permission to be indoors, as I remain without overlapping interests (f.e. perhaps with the computer medium; see 1. Computer wizardry, and 15. Personally helped), as I remain without an active relationship tree, and so forth. What I mean is, neither you are nor I am in a better position than the other; we each simply have a different set of opportunities based on our current relations (who are alive now, but ever dying).
Personally, I find it helps to hum the tune or sing the words of "Don't worry, be happy" by Bobby McFerrin. Perhaps that, too, will help you as you miss out on my freedoms I am currently experiencing. I am serious, it really does help. Go on, try it.
[ Bobby McFerrin ][...]
Ain't got no place to lay your head, somebody came and took your bed. Don't worry. Be happy.The landlord say your rent is late, he may have to litigate. Don't worry. Be happy.
[...]—From the song "Don't worry, be happy" on the music album "Simple pleasures" (1988) by Bobby McFerrin.
As suggested in section "2. Preface", I am stating this as a matter of observation (or consider the voicing of "matter of fact"); none of these statements are complaints, nor are they excuses, nor are they intended as defensiveness or offensive.
Again, the fantasies in your head are your responsibility, as well as the buttons you have attached for instantly reprioritizing the present e-motion (t.i. energy for motion) for those unchangeable stored memories. Written words are dead; people breathe life into written words by means of their actions; be mindful of your own breath when reading (or listening) to words, and perhaps let the words remain dead while comprehending them.
Knowing where I am at is one half of getting somewhere else; the other half is having a personal direction. I have a personal direction, and it leads beyond where I am at now; I am open for the means and resources to move forward.
The end of the summary for section -1, "Preamble".
Conversationally, I am open to talking about the computer medium, or about health/eating. Did I mention that already? What I mean is those are the topics where I might say something more than merely "oh", "ah", "okay", "that makes sense with what you have said so far", or similar. The content listing below has links to more info about my observations, pursuits, and other personal interests ("Content list").
I have done no studying of species (of any kind), nor of so-called "races", nor religion (Terminology about culture: religion), nor science, nor sports, nor politics, nor any of the so-called "identity as" section of job applications, nor romance. That means I know nothing about those topics.
That has nothing to do with "believing" anything, as I simply have had no curiosity about those topics (nor many other topics), and have had no questions about them. Perhaps never. Yes, I am boring, as I prefer discussion of actual first-hand experiences rather than arguments about stories. [ This might very well be a side-effect from having been told various incompatible "Santa Claus" stories early in life. ]
Though, I do tend to listen to others talk about such topics, as their minds are occupied with such stories. Yet, there really is no point trying to convince me, myself, of anything. With no interest, what can I possibly comprehend?
For example, nuclear physics is whatever each person knows about it, which is different for each person. Yet, I have no interest in keeping up with the topic at all, so there is nothing for me to believe or disbelieve. It is just a topic in the mind of that person who is trying to work out something personally.
Of course, talking about a topic reveals what inspires that person, and helps establish a mindset for further thought or action. That topic might also be what that person wants to breath life into (speaking and/or action) for further existence of what is associated with that topic. For example, when I have decided I am no longer interested in a business or company, I try to never mention it by name nor even refer to it at all, as I have no interest in promoting it[ As in the old saying "even bad news is good news", t.i. free publicity. ].
Wrapping up a half-century of life and without location permission for much of the past couple decades, I have accidently developed into the mindset of what apparently gets called "radical acceptance", t.i. simply accepting everything as it is. Oops, I had no idea that existed; probably because I never really keep up with the latest trends in labels and categories. Of course, acceptance can take a moment or two (or a day or two), and I still have personal preferences (f.e. I prefer indoors) and personal direction.
Particularly, I have no use for the problem/solution paradigm (Terminology about culture: problem), t.i. there is no such thing as problems in the world. The world is and always has been doing just fine. Nothing is broken; instead, every creature and thing and substance simply changes, mostly because each obviously is an influence to and is influenced by each other (a core principle of the Cosmos, IMHO). As such, nothing needs fixing; everything is getting along with each other as best it can in that moment, based on the influences available at that moment.
As aforementioned, my curiosities are simply about personal health (f.e. diet and rest; no toxins and no drugs), and about the computer medium (f.e. computer wizardry). Those were my first interests way, way, way back when I was still getting taller, and they have turned out to be the last interests I still have. With no place to store anything (and that happening so many times) I have lost all other interests I used to have, whatever they might have been. So, now it is just health and computers.
The end of section 2, "Mindsets and conversations".
[ Realized much of this huge section could be moved to the current section "14. Personal pursuit".
However, that does mean integrating with the content already there. Will likely take multiple editing sessions; hopefully I will be able to tidy it up someday. ]
For the last two years (since 2022Jan09), I again have been without permission from anyone to stay some place, for lack of knowing anyone able to share such responsibility and with whom I share mutual trust along those lines of responsibility. Essentially, without family connections
[ family — The people who are familiar to a person. That is how the words "famil-y" and "famil-iar" are related. ]
, without friends; at most mere casual associations, f.e. an occassional cashier or passersby
[ I never really give much attention to any passersby until they walk up to me. I am usually avoiding getting attention from people, respecting their time with their own thoughts on their way. Besides, I never ask anyone for help, because help with what? I am pretty sure what I need is an active relationship tree, and that is on me to learn how to do that, right?
Oh, wait... That would mean I need to talk with people, which means doing the opposite of avoiding attention... Hmm... ...well... Obviously, I need to think that over more. ].
Typically, I sleep under the overpass near the intersection of Waiʻalae & 21st (before the Kahala Mall intersection), very visibly, as it has seemed too noisy and busy and dusty and grimy for anyone else.
Housing and the associated utilities, or a mobile phone, and so forth are subscriptions, t.i. they are periodic expenses. Periodic income is one way of paying for periodic expenses. The permission of staying someplace (housing) can sometimes be negotiated or simply given; services tend to require payment.
In other words, no one is deserving of anything, it is instead a matter of risk taking for those who can give permission. Everyone has to either pay money for permission or be thought of as worth the expense (monetarily, emotionally, material degradation, and so on).
Without a place to keep things, I never collect much of anything. I have only that which I can carry; sometimes too much.
Toiletries and hygienic supplies like soap, shampoo, detergent, toothpaste, and so forth are useless for me (though other people outdoors might can use them). I have no access to running water: there are signs posted saying to not bath in any manner within public restrooms (essentially the sole place of publicly available running water). I have come to realize (sure, sure, perhaps erroneously) that such cleaning supplies are overrated and unnecessary. Water seems to be enough. Though I would prefer a wash cloth rather than paper towels, I have no means for easily drying out a wash cloth; that will have to wait until I am back indoors again.
It just seems too odd to me to ask for money without doing something for it; I mean, that is how someone else has money, right? I had been paid for helping a couple of non-profit organizations for the first dozen or so years here in Hawaiʻi, mainly in Kaimukī; most of the first third while living outdoors [ I had been accepted as reliable by Prof. John Charlot (d.2022) of the JCF; and I said nothing of my havng to move out (no money anymore for rent) and be outdoors. I also still had a portable computer to do the tasks. I was later introduced to the CWGH for additional paid work. At that time, I said nothing of my sleeping at a shelter (far away close to downtown) of over a hundred people. [ The living conditions of the shelter was hardly sanitary, and I even had to pay a "program fee" to be allowed into it, but for no more than two years. Overnight only, and only if in by curfew; everyone must leave immediately early morning; no access during day to any personal items that might still be there (as there were no rooms, and no locked areas). Call that "indoors" if you like, no argument from me. I mean, the roof usually leaked on other people while they slept instead of me; though everybody was still awakened by the activity for a roof that leaked in many places. Too bad for anyone if everything was soaked during a daytime storm, their belongings sitting in a puddle until people were allowed in later in the evening. No lack of appreciation intended by these statements; I was suicidal enough the whole time to be fine with everything anyway. —[ No worries: suicide is no longer an option since 2012 Dec (four months after required to leave shelter, because of 2-year time limit), and never will be again; yes, EFT helped (from a library book; would never trust strangers, like social services). ]— I am just trying to be realistic about that shelter when I used the word "shelter", rather than have that shelter be mistakenly thought of as...uhm...shelter. ] ] . The next two-thirds of my time continued in Kaimukī, living indoors (at no cost to me) with the Historian of the CWGH (15.4 Catholic Women's Guild Hawaiʻi (2013-2019)).
So, I guess I am perfectly comfortable with accepting permission given to me without paying for it, and comfortable with performing tasks voluntarily without receiving payment, t.i. without assigning arbitrary monetary numbers to what is appreciated from each other. Receiving no payment from the CWGH (after 2013, when I began staying in Catherine's house) nor an allowance from Catherine worked out well for me, because I was still receiving money from the JCF (hourly wage for whatever hours I reported to them for the current gig) for my food and personal supplies. Note that Catherine and I never discussed the arrangements; I pretty much just never asked for compensation (and I usually sidestepped the topic when Catherine brought it up) for the tasks I did for the CWGH while I was staying there.
Perhaps unfortunately, I am averse to assigning monetary numbers to anything, because that always seems so arbitrary. Prices for anything always seem so weird and makes no sense to me: an apple costs as much as a candy bar costs as much as shoelaces. I also worry about people having the money to pay for me to help them, because I like having the opportunity and outlet for my personal interests (such as with computers).
[ Jean Charlot ][ list of projected murals: 102, 103, 104 ]
Such was my contribution to the exhibition of the liturgical arts held at the Louvre in 1920, including my first serious attempt at mural painting. Of No. 102, a water color, a reviewer commented optimistically: "This artist deserves to be known as a fresco painter, a genre to which he tends to consecrate as growing part of his activities." [2]However, the projected murals were not allowed to mature. Though they were done with the approval of the curé in charge, the worthy man changed his mind sometime between lending the blueprints of his church and the completion of the scale drawings. He refused to even look at the sketches. This first heartbreak at the realization that a born mural painter is helpless without a wall was not to be the last.
—Chapter 15: "Reminiscences: Jean Charlot", page 178. The Mexican Mural Renaissance, 1920-1925 (1967, second edition) by Jean Charlot (1898-1979).
Available online as listed at vault.jeancharlot.org: Books and Booklets; or the PDF directly at https://vault.jeancharlot.org/book/jean-charlot_text-am.pdf.
[2] C. de Cordis, "L'Art religieux de Jean Charlot", La Revue Moderne, April 1921.
For myself, I must appreciate what I am doing, and as such that is the incentive for me rather than the money (so, money is just a bonus). I definitely have no business mindset; I will likely never be an entrepreneur. I think for my whole life (t.i. most of my half-century) I have always felt like an ancillary, someone who helps with interesting projects of other people; but I also appreciate my own time for my own projects.
The overlap of my interests with the interests that other people have had has seemed to work out rather well for improving my own abilities and skills. I appreciate that I have been able to go beyond merely imitating the common practices with computers, especially as those common practices tend to be cumbersome and disabling for the everyday person (regardless of anyone's physical abilities).
There is certainly no one to give me a monetary allowance, like what guardians sometimes give. In a way, I feel like people who do stop by where I am sleeping outdoors [ Or sometimes when I am just walking along. Wow, I am still a part of the community that I lived and worked within for the last 15 years. It is so easy to get lost behind the computer when indoors. Being outdoors all the time has really changed my personal presence within the community with which I never knew how to connect. I am likely still too shy, though. ] and give me something are looking out for me. When it is money, I am being given the opportunity to pick out what I need: fresh clothing for appearing (somewhat) respectable; bandages; a new square of cloth from Kaimuki Dry Goods [ Over at 1144 10th Ave, which is a one way street for that block from Harding Ave to Waiʻlalae Ave. It is immediately after the residential houses, before the bank; parking around the back is available. ] for knotting a replacement furoshiki bag; bus rides for the occasional long distances. When other are items given to me, I think of that as people sharing something of themselves, or maybe something that is extra for them (f.e. from a buy-one-get-one-free deal).
As for food, well...everybody dies [ No intention for this paragraph to sound morbid. And, no, not suicidal: just a matter of acceptance, a matter of fact, all life forms die. Though, the statements of this paragraph are mostly from my memory of the mindset I had when I had to be outdoors again (2022Jan09). That is partly because I had been feeling that way for three years indoors prior to that, beginning after 2019Jan27-09:00 —[ My last moment with Catherine (Historian for the former CWGH) ]—. I have done a lot to address that mindset over the last year (2023May-2024Mar). ] , and no one depends on me for anything any more (so the lack of my presence affects no one else), and so food for me is really of no importance. I am simply a complete stranger amongst all, as all of my personal references (15. Personally helped) are dead: two from stage 4 cancer, and one from whatever happens to someone after being put into a care home.
There are supposedly about one million local residents, about 400 million citizens, and about 8 billion people on the planet. A plethora of "human resources", and I have no interest in being competitive, as stated in the section "2. Preface". No. Need. For. Me. Though, the same could be said for about anybody in this long-distance civilization of ours. Just a matter of fact, it seems to me. So, from my perspective, everyone (each of all of us "human resources") is in this same position.
Nonetheless, I still seek out food while it is available, but mostly as just something to do. Lately, when I choose food myself it is for novelty or as a treat [ For example: dismantle and recombine different flavors of sandwich cookies in every way possible; or stir a half ounce of black pepper into natural peanut butter; or stir almost a whole container of cocoa powder into a container of whipped butter (turned out to be a bit like cocoa pudding, but thankfully no sugar). ] , as I am too unmotivated to eat otherwise. Yes, that does tend to be contrary to the food preferences I have stated in section "13. Personal interest". For example, I will eat restaurant food [ Restaurant food usually is something someone gives to me when passing by where I sit or sleep. I never really go to restaurants anymore, as the people I knew were the ones who always suggested it; likely never my idea, but always interesting. Besides: no money nowadays; the menus are tiny-print computer monitors or poorly lighted at a distance; tips (no.idea.how.and.never.will.know); and so forth are all discouraging. ] , as that is quite a treat considering I only have SNAP[ Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program ] for extending my existence.
I have no concern if I eventually fail at obtaining food (f.e. eventual denial of SNAP), as during these last couple of years with nowhere to be (and especially after I lost the storage unit and I no longer had a computer system to continue my craft in the computer medium) I have had much opportunity for self-development and personal review.
As such, I have become at peace with myself and the world around me, as I have come to acknowledge and accept it. There is nothing left for me to lose. Nothing gained means nothing to lose again. No reason to be desperate for anything, because everyone dies, no need to panic, that is just what happens. But perhaps most (or at least very) important to me, I have no dependents: no one depends on me for any task or project or well-being.
What I mean is: no one will be inconvenienced, as I know no one currently inconvenienced at the moment by my lack of ability and resources for continued participation. Obviously, if anyone would be inconvenienced by my lack of resources and means in helping them, then certainly that person (or people) would do something about that. As there is no such person or people, all will be well (15. Personally helped).
[ Socrates; Bill Preston; Ted Logan ]
Socrates: [speaking in Greek]
Our lives are but specks of dust falling through the fingers of time.[ Bill introduces themselves (speaking English) to Socrates; then Bill suggests Ted philosophize with Socrates. ]
Ted: [speaking in English]
All we are is dust in the wind [1 From the song "Dust in the wind" by Kansas. See footnote.], dude.Socrates:
[ Socrates has no understanding of English. ]Bill: [speaking in English]
[ Scoops a handful of dust. ] Dust.
[ Drops the dust and blows the remaining dust off the palm of the hand. ] Wind.Ted: [speaking in English]
[ Points hand at Socrates. ] Dude.Socrates: [speaking in Greek]
Yes! Like sands of the hourglass, so are the days of our lives.—Socrates; Bill Preston; Ted Logan. Dialog from the movie Bill and Ted's excellent adventure (1989).
[1] From the song "Dust in the wind", from the music album Point of no return (1977) by Kansas.
[ Kansas ]I close my eyes, only for a moment and the moment's gone. All my dreams pass before my eyes, a curiosity. Dust in the wind. All they are is dust in the wind.
Same old song. Just a drop of water in an endless sea. All we do crumbles to the ground, though we refuse to see. Dust in the wind. All we are is dust in the wind.
Now, don't hang on. Nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky. It slips away, and all your money won't another minute buy. Dust in the wind. All we are is dust in the wind.
Dust in the wind. Everything is dust in the wind.
Unfortunately, I still worry about people stressing out (f.e. security in grocery stores) [ Perhaps because of my appearance, such as from carrying all my possessions on my back? *shrug* What else can I do? There is no place where I have permission to set it down, especially securely. Or from going in and out often in one day? I practice comparison shopping: item available? in stock? on sale? I try to keep from being an impulse buyer. And I have the time for comparison shopping, and no extra expense on gasoline. ] about me being someone who might take something without paying for it. I understand it is their job to stress about that happening, they get paid to worry. I just rather be a different inspiration than what I probably am. By them interacting with me with that fantasy in their minds, my presence is obviously not me, so I might as well not be there at all. As such, I simply stop going to such places.
I never would take without paying [ For most of my life it was difficult for me to even accept anything given to me from anyone (other than holiday gifts). Only this last year (sometime during 2023) have I come to terms with receiving from others. ] , as that practice of taking without permission is no option for me (section "17. . ": "What [I] put into practice..."). Ownership (section "12.2 Terminology about culture: ownership") is taking on a responsibility; payment is half the responsibility for the long-distance civilization we are in, relying upon the supply lines for most all of our resources. No payment, then no more supplies. If I am going down, then I certainly have no interest in taking anyone else down with me; of course, I know I am a minor influence, but what I put into practice matters to me.
I pretty much have forgotten how to want (though see section "14. Personal pursuit", or so it seems right now. Likely something to do with that aforementioned "radical acceptance" (t.i. no wanting the unavailable nor inaccessible; "want" is not "need"; and so forth) combined with a long-time approach of avoiding forcing my fantasies into reality. That which would never emerge on its own within its environment seems most certain to dissipate back into nothingness without receiving steady life support from elsewhere [ For example, manufacturing companies often create what no individual can make on its own, and without helping the community learn to create those products, thereby the products are alien to that culture and will be lost when the company disbands. ].
I have had to address a lot of mental blocks in order to feel comfortable with wanting anything at all, but I do seem to be able to "want" now. But there is no point with material things when there is no place to put them while I remain without permission to be indoors. Nonetheless, money is opportunity, especially for replacing what I really need rather than what someone else might guess. [ Though, a really good guess about what I need would be "permission to be indoors". ]
Still no motivation to make anything happen, because I am afraid of practicing the forcing of anything to happen. It seems as if I feel like anything different that I do must just fit with the means that I have from the flow around me, without me insisting that I be accepted by my surroundings. My feet keep reminding me of that, because they keep falling apart by blisters and strains when I push myself too hard.
This is probably why I have been unable to figure out how to get back indoors again, as I see no way, having blinded myself with this confounding obstacle (is that of being submissive? or too accepting of circumstances?). That, and a lack of an active relationship tree.
With that said, one way I can help out is by sharing information, f.e. with the documents on this document server "L8L.info"), or by participating in conversation. This document "begin.htm" has a variety of information about making a computer do what is desired by a mere press of one button (and how to make it be the desired button). Additionally, there are some notes from health books with semi-bibliographical reference (author, title, year, maybe pages).
I use various memory management techniques (including EFT, in section "12.1 General terminology"), and have been gradually developing mindset management approaches for myself (yet to notice anyone writing about that; maybe NLP is like that?). Starting to also step into developing an active relationship tree (trustworthy connections with people), with the intent of gradually figuring out what responsibilities I can trust from each person.
I always "just say no" to drugs, alcohol, tobacco, and other non-nutritional substances. I say that without any intention of trying to sound like I am better than anyone else; please be comfortable with yourself how ever different I might be from you. OTOH, if those activities are personal approaches for stress management, then perhaps consider EFT as a no-cost alternate approach Though the name is "Emotional Freedom Technique", I think it is better described as memory management. Memories tend to be the core of stress and its management. Applying EFT helps prevent the emotions associated with a memory from displacing the current emotion that is relevant for the present moment. In other words, the recalled emotion stays compartmentalized rather than displacing the present emotion, and the present emotion remains with little or no stress from the suddenly recalled memory. More succinctly: the memory is no longer energized by the associated emotion (as in: e-motion, or energy for motion, or energy for putting into action). No cost; independent of chemicals; independent of professional services; t.i. free, free, free. ].
I am comfortable with reality, I prefer fresh air and being indoors (especially no carpeting: sinuses), and I try to respect personal space of people who wear masks. I like to eat appropriately for my health (13. Personal interest: food, and 12.3 Observations of food), but I have been eating about anything lately.
The end of section 3, "Current existence and participation".