Personally asserted a set of five pursuits, equally prioritized.
The techniques I know (but have yet to record here) for personal health and well being [Section #4] are to be applied to each of the other four pursuits for reassessing personal limits for each pursuit, and handling failures along the way with each pursuit.
Currently, it seems to me I am stalled. As I am without social capital [words--culture.htm#], my help remains worthless. Pondering about that. In the mean time, just accepting the moment.
One idea I would like to get across (2025 Aug 01), without offending anyone, is that I am not a problem, I am human. I can't be solved, so I don't need a solution. I am a human, being.
Whether or not I am permitted to exist is based on whether or not I am needed to exist. Where I can be, whether and what I can eat, whether and what by I am clothed, everything is based on having permission.
Permission for someone is by need for that someone, or shared by someone else who has permission what is being shared.
Whether alcohol, drugs, or listening to recorded fiction (music, TV shows, movies, and so forth), such a person in that moment is lost in another world, and not available for anyone else to get to know that person. Seriously. I know this from personal experience with my parents the first few decades of my life, as I was never ever able to connect with them, not even when they were not drunk, not drugged up, or not immersed in television shows. So it is very obvious to me.
Unfortunately, manufacturers have incorporated audio speakers in the portable devices, and the audio of the entertainment (fiction and general nonsense) radiates beyond the person responsible for using the device. It is very common for people to lose themselves in another imaginary world, if even only partially, and not be wholly here in the moment with anyone. So common that it has become acceptable, much like when smoking tobacco used to be so common, but with the social effects of people continuously drinking alcohol or continously using drugs. They are lost, and taking down everyone else around them.
That has become so acceptable that it is not acknowledged as an abuse, neither to one self nor to others. As such, I look forward to the day I become deaf in such a world, though I much rather keep my hearing for if ever I can escape such madness (sometimes physical from them) from others.
Obviously, my environment needs to change. At the KH facility (a medical respite), I do have permission to sleep and permission to keep things. However, I am without means to pursue my personal interests, at least immediately.
I do feel safe at the facility, but I am uncomfortable because of the detritus from the residents, and from the nonsense from the recorded fiction broadcasted from their PDAs (personal distraction appliances), a.k.a. mobile phones. A person with a PDA is a bit like a drunken alcoholic walking around freely tossing alcohol to everyone around, regardless of whether anyone wants it.
Neither alcohol nor drugs are allowed, and no one is supposed to return to the facility having incorporated such substances. Disturbing the peace with recordings of violence, or hatred, or vengence, or righteous uppityness ("No, no reward needed for me."), and other such nonsense recordings is allowed, as that is acceptable out in the real world beyond the facility.
Before, I was only tolerated being wherever I was (under an overpass) without permission. So, being at KH differs by the comfort from being allowed to sleep and being allowed to keep things.
Nonetheless, I am quite a jerk with other people, usually when I speak. That has always been so, seemingly my whole life. It is just safer for me to not be around other people, as I have no interest in receiving their physical communication as their response provoked by whatever I say as a jerk. That has been my whole life.
Easy for me to blame it on our culture, but it is also up to me to figure out how to get along, too. I keep worrying about others being offended, and I keep failing and I keep getting hurt.
I am well stabilized beyond self-termination, as that was merely because I felt I was without permission to exist, listening to declarations from the populace. It had seemed sensible and the only task that I could do at all.
However, the laws are unsupportive of self-termination, and becoming aware apparently is what I needed. Upon reflection one month later, this turning point might be best summarized as realizing I do have permission (of a cultural sort) to exist. Indeed, it is expected of everyone.
Resource examples.
Initially, expenses oughta provide a return (t.i. ROI) whenever possible.
So, the financial cost of a computer is unrecoverable by its own use, simply for lack of anyone paying me to use it. OTOH, clothing intended for employment helps with recovering its own expense.
...list of personal limits when seeking or accepting resources...
An older version of the pursuit.htm doc (2024 Jul 18) that was accidentally deleted (when trying to delete some other doc). Maybe there is something of interest to me from back then. Have modified it by striking out some of it, which I had done in a later version (2024 November), as best as I can recall. Yet to read it again; maybe will modify it or start a new one later.
Attempting to increase my typing speed. The telesponder "typing.com" has lessons and tests for that purpose. As a baseline, I seem type at about 50 WPM with a percentile in the upper 90s for accuracy. Though, I noticed I have low stamina for typing much.
[...reserved for a list of personal limits when considering new curiosities...]
Examples
Applied for a job online (2025 Jul 23) for Times Supermarkets for "POS Clerk" (point of sale), a corporate position sitting at a computer perhaps much of the time. No expectations, just to try it out; especially as I have no phone number nor resume. There was an additional assessment of sorts, choose "Me" or "Not Me" for each of a series of pictures with a phrase describing it. Anyway, nice to see what an online application is like.
[...reserved for a list of personal limits when considering participation and when participating...]
No wheat, no rice. Lately, also no vegetation. Going with just meat and egg. Dairy is unreliable in the meals at the facility, because the dairy item usually have additional ingredients.
Since the second attempt of self-termination, no longer allowed to leave the premises (facility), so unable buy my own food for now. However, this has helped me feel more like letting go of the other options at the grocery store that would impede my health, like corn chips or pasteries. I am even feeling more comfortable with letting go of pizza, too.
I compromised on my request to be able to walk to the grocery store and purchase my own food and water. Over a week went by without gaining permission. Finally I was driven to the store and I compromised by purchasing enough for a week, hence limiting my options to non-refrigerated foods.
Committed (to myself) in making no further requests for shopping for myself while that lasts, because I would simply be non-compliant if I were to insist. I understand they want to help, but this restriction inspires me to feel like I am re-experiencing some of the trauma of my childhood.
That is also a compromize to my mindset and mental health progress, as recorded in section "5.2 Mindset status" [#5.2], at "2025 Aug 01".
I was still about 20 pounds over my normal weight, volumetrically noticed on thighs. Weight had been stable for three weeks.
Reduced eating to once per day, only the dinner meal from the facility. Sometimes skipping a day.
Weight is stable at about 10 pounds over my normal weight. Volumetrically noticibly reduced to an acceptable measure. Now shifting to ensuring I eat every day, and plenty of (preferably non-chlorinated) water. Will continue to allow for further reduction, obviously at a much slower rate.
I have been stretching sometimes, and today (2025 Jul 23) did a lot more. Feel great, and rather fulfiling; much better than affirmations. It helps particularly as I am still not allowed to leave the premises, probably for some months from now.
In the middle of a series of vaccinations, about a month apart. Next appointment is 2025 Jul 30.
They rescheduled the appointment for two weeks later.
[Will update when notified.]
Sometimes I have felt exasperated (perhaps misunderstood by others as "depression") from being without the means to pursue my interests, yet alone participate in the world at all. Then, I tended to eat because the only resource I had was for food (SNAP), and making a purchase at the grocery store also felt like participation in the world. Afterwards, I felt too full to feel like doing anything at all.
While I have eaten pasteries and desserts mostly, it is not the sugar that interests me. Sugar is not making me happy, despite rumors about it, and that is not what I was going for anyway. That feeling of being too stuffed is what placated me when feeling exasperated, despite sometimes being in tears while doing so.
The SNAP benefits has been all I have had as a resource, and so eating is really all I have been able to do. No significant amount of resources for doing anything else.
Self-termination is no longer an option, again. Back during the first week of 2012 December was when self-termination became no longer an option (by means of EFT plus personalized affirmations), after almost four years having to live outdoors. I am now understanding that turning point to have addressed the internal influences, particularly about self-worth and such.
This most recent event began slowly from 2019 Jan 27 upon the death of the person who owned the home I was in. It increased significantly 2022 Jan 09 when I had to finally leave the house by request of the property management. A few months later proved I had no relationship tree [words--culture.htm#], simply no contacts remaining at all, no references from anyone, no one knew me even a little.
After finally giving up the final bits I had kept of computer hardware and circuitry 2024 Oct, the option of self termination seemed like a possible civic duty, thereby sensible. It accelerated for several months until 2025 Jun 28, when I found out (in 48 hour confinement) the laws are unsupportive of self-termination. Becoming aware of that was apparently what I needed for this turning point, as my mindset no longer considered self-termination an option for any further thought.
Each day thereafter never deviated away from that acceptance, t.i. no regression towards what had been incorrectly thought of as an option. Upon reflection after one month of my mindset daily never reconsidering, this turning point might be best summarized as realizing:
** I do have permission (of a cultural sort) to exist. **
Continuing to exist clearly is expected of everyone, despite experiencing relationship poverty [words--culture.htm#], despite having essentially failed to hold on to and stay in the flow of everything.
In short, this most recent turning point has addressed the external influences, f.e. the populace declaring I, as part of the excess or leftover of people (misnomered "homeless"), lacked worth.
As such, I have become well stabilized beyond self-termination, especially with all the additonally mindset resolutions I had done during the prior three years. It has all come together seamlessly, so I am rather unable to put many words to it. I am full of wonder, and the world around me is like a different place in addition to my familiarity with it. Absolute content.
Interestingly, I also feel no exasperation from having no means to pursue my personal interests, having no social capital [words--culture.htm#], and having no flow of necessary resources.
People say I have major depression, but I am unable to relate with that term. What I am feeling is (perhaps major?) disappointment, and I am feeling ashamed for being helped, both of which I recognize as having learned to be during my childhood. It seems like the right way to feel for the circumstance, which is why I want to change my circumstances so I can be okay for me to feel differently.
My attempt at self-termination was something like being confused, and then having that cleared up. Unfortunately, everyone else is now confused about me because of that, and don't believe I should be without escort (which is fine with me), but they don't have time to give me an escort.
Thereby as aforementioned, I am feeling like back in my childhood, except I am now afraid of these guardians who claim to be protecting me. Their good intentions obviously affect my mental health in an undesirable manner, but it won't shift to self-termination as that is not an option. Instead, I am likely to at least wither mentally and fail to thrive, and likely make no progress at addressing my shame of being helped and my disappointment at being treated as untrusted to live my life.
If I leave so I can address my personal health and well being [#4.1 Nutrition], then I am a bad person for interrupting all the other help they have been giving me. If I stay, then I fail to address my well being and I mentally wither despite the good intentions of these guardians.
An that is crux. I am already unable to pursue my interests or even help anyone, as I am without social capital as stated in section "0. Perspectives". As such, I have no one to vouch for me, no one to stand up for me. If I run away, then I will inspire people to feel bad; if I stay, then I deteriorate.
The walking would help my physical health. The grocery shopping is a sort of participation, the least I can do at the moment. The food purchases allow me to put into practice taking care of the nutrition of my personal health, personally. None of that sways these guardians, and I have nothing other than those truths for them for consideration.
Specifically, follow through with the current process. Jasmine has arranged some appointments.
This might not be useful, but checking it out anyways. Probably just need to address my personal limits (see each section), but might discover some inspiration during this pursuit.
Weekly appointments with a psychotherapist.
Assessed for permanent case managment (PCM); waiting for confirmation.
There might also be another assessment for diagnosis; the PCM assessment might be enough for a starting point for now.
There is now scheduled two appointments a month at QCC (or QMC?), starting 2025 Jul 28. This might be the additional assessment.
Also a possibility of "day center" treatment, 3-5 days a week; offered/suggested by the counseling center (follow up for the second event). I doubt I need artificial socializing; I already detest recorded fictional influences.
However, it probably has something similar to the weekly psychotherapy. The idea seems contrary to my typical approach for ... personal development?...pursuing interests?
Staying open to the idea, because it seems different, and I am typically trying something different when something else does not work out.
Also considering the "club houses" for meeting new people. Requirement for admittance is a referral (or diagnosis?). I might very well have what I need for this, if I ever feel comfortable in trying it out. Might be an opportunity to ease my way into mingling with people...but... I already am experiencing something like "mingling" in the KH facility, and that is...well... I think I have adapted, t.i. I am still not going beyond my personal limits.
Generally, I am staying safe by speaking very little and keeping physically distant. People influence themselves too much with recorded fiction, and I have no interest in participating in the re-enactments. Bad enough I imitate the expressions from fiction, I have no interest in roleplaying [words-culture.htm#larp].
...
Seems like there were five questions I read about in "Tapping into ultimate success" by Jack Canfield and Pamela Bruner. I was unable to find the questions again, probably because they were in the workbook for the program, but I think these were those questions.
What is the situation?
Why is that so?
How are you keeping it going?
What are the benefits of not changing it?
What are the disadvantages of changing it?